October 16, 2009
In recent weeks, I have been sharing with you about children going through change, and how you as a Christian parent can help with that process. I have suggested that children often feel helpless in the midst of changes that we as adults may be able to handle. As Christian parents, we must be especially sensitive to the assistance of the Holy Spirit through the gift of intercessory prayer as we see our children struggling to adjust with what they perceive as world-shattering changes. We must be quick to pray both for and with our children. Let them see that change is an opportunity for trusting God and growing in faith.
I suggested that this process of adjustment may look a lot like Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief: shock and denial, anger, negotiation or bargaining, sadness and depression, and finally acceptance. A wise parent will observe carefully how their child is handling news of a change, even when it is perceived as positive. You may have seen the denial in the form of refusing to even listen to what is about to happen. You may have been shocked at the level of outrage and anger expressed by even the most even-tempered child.
We should not be surprised that the stages of grief seem to express themselves in children when change occurs, because change to them may result in a real or perceived loss. Today, we look at the stage of negotiation or bargaining. This can be a real opportunity for helping your child adjust.
Parents can use diplomacy and negotiation skills to introduce minor changes into a schedule. For example, if you’re unable to go to the library on your regularly scheduled day, try to give your child a comparable alternative, so expectations are still met. Perhaps the Science Center on another day would be acceptable. Your child may even welcome this new adventure.
For more substantial changes, the only real negotiation may be to give a child as much advance notice and opportunity for adjustment as possible. When you can, introduce changes into a child’s life gradually. Give your child as many choices in the midst of change as you can. For example, if your child will be going to a new school, a preliminary visit and a connection with a friend or relative who is also attending may alleviate fears of the unknown. Even being able to use her old backpack and lunch box may help by connecting with a few things that won’t change. This will give her something tangible to identify with and help take the uncertainty out of the new situation.
Children must respect the decisions of their God-directed parents, but it can be acceptable to bring children in to the decision-making process in creative ways, especially as they get older. They will then gain some sense of ownership in the decision, and lose the anxiety that comes from feeling powerless and out of control. As a parent, provide opportunity for respectful input where you can, and be honest about those things that cannot be negotiated.
Today’s program was sponsored by our good friends at the Blackduck Sawmill.