October 1, 2009
This month is a time for change: October can start out almost summer-like, and finish with killing frosts and a hint of future winter weather. Change is a part of being alive, and all of us confront change on a daily basis. Some changes in our life bring blessing and new opportunity for service and enjoyment of life. Other changes can mean real tests of our patience and character, as well as our dependence on Almighty God. Adults have usually learned how to handle change in constructive ways. How about children? What should we expect when our children confront changes in their lives, and how can we help them cope more effectively?
Unlike adults, children lack control over many aspects of their lives. That may be why they feel more comfortable with routines and familiar faces. Children can feel confused, anxious, fearful and even hostile in a change situation that they feel is out of their control.
The good news is that God has created children to be adaptable to change, especially when they’re prepared well in advance. When a child learns that a change is coming, he or she will begin to make emotional adjustments to accommodate the new situation. This process of adjustment may look a lot like Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief: shock and denial, anger, negotiation or bargaining, sadness and depression, and finally acceptance. When a child begins to accept the change, the entire family will be better equipped to make a smoother transition.
If the change is sudden, and your son or daughter is in denial or shock, you as a parent may find yourself trying to communicate with a child that is not yet ready to hear what you have to say. Be patient. Make yourself available to talk. If this change affects you, as well, share your own difficulties in dealing with it. This normal denial response is why, if the change is a big one, parents should try to give children as much advance time to process it as possible. You know your children. Some do not like surprises, and most need plenty of time to process what is shaking their world.
Some children may seem to take even major changes in stride, almost appearing uncaring. This is a form of denial, and it is a common coping mechanism. Do not be fooled into thinking, “well, that was easy,” when you tell a boy he will be moving soon to a new community and his response is, “OK.” When the denial mechanism can no longer be maintained, this is a boy who is going to need mom and dad.
As a parent, you should not be surprised if your child’s next response is anger and resentment. The sense of helplessness in the face of changes, especially when the child has no input or say in the matter, can bear the fruit of real hostility, which may not always be expressed in healthy ways, or directed to the real source of what the child fears.
We will look at this response to change in our next broadcast. Today’s program was sponsored by our good friends at the Blackduck Sawmill.