October 8, 2009
Last week I introduced the subject of children coping with change. I shared that children are very vulnerable to the effects of change, and may react in ways that adults do not expect. Even what we as grown-ups may view as a positive change with good, long-term results may be viewed through the short-term lens of a child’s eyes as a disaster. The most common situations that I see as a school principal is change resulting from a change in the child’s educational format: moving from homeschooling or public schooling to a Christian educational setting, for example. More than one parent has second-guessed this good choice when their son or daughter has come home voicing objections to the changes they inevitably encounter.
Unfortunately, I also see children reacting to the incredible changes that accompany separation and divorce. As adults, the impact of such a life-changing event may seem almost overwhelming. For a child, it can be completely beyond their ability to effectively cope without deliberate help from the caring adults in his or her life.
Serious illness, a death in the family, moving, loss of a parent’s job, loss of a pet, or even a new brother or sister can trigger a strong response in a child’s heart and mind, and the process of accepting that change may be long and difficult. Adults like to say, “children are flexible. They can adapt.” And, to some extent, that is true, because God created them that way. But, that doesn’t mean that they are unaffected, or that adjustment will come without a price. I suggested in last week’s broadcast that this process of adjustment to change may look a lot like Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief: shock and denial, anger, negotiation or bargaining, sadness and depression, and finally acceptance.
We looked at the response of shock and denial, which may fool a parent into thinking that everything is under control. That is, until the anger breaks out. Even normally calm children can become visibly angry, even hostile, when change is forced on them with inadequate time to adjust. A wise parent will give acceptable avenues for expressing that anger without over- reacting themselves. Give children an opportunity to share how they feel. Yes, even anger and hurt can be expressed in respectful ways, if a parent makes it clear that it is acceptable for a child to be honest.
The key may be to refuse to respond with your own anger and hurt when your child expresses his or hers. You must be the grown-up! You must give a forum for a child to release the feelings building within, without parental condemnation. Pray with your child, and invite the Holy Spirit to replace anger with God-given peace. Do not deny your own anger, if that is what you are, in fact, feeling. Make it clear that Jesus Christ is a firm rock in the midst of even the toughest storm. Faith may arise from the ashes of anger in difficult circumstances, even for a child. Our broadcast today is sponsored by our friends at Northern Safety and Security, celebrating ten years of protecting northern Minnesota and eastern North Dakota.